Mommy's Day Out

  I think perhaps one of the strangest parts of a PTSD marriage, or at least the part that I didn't expect, was the loss of old friends, both for Squee and for myself. Granted, as people grow and change, relationships change, but they don't all dissolve. Within a PTSD marriage though, only the strongest friends survive. Sadly, there aren't many who made my cut.

  I am partially to blame for my lack of fulfilling friendships, because for the longest time I was unable to focus on anything but Squee. Then came Siren. I did, shortly after she was born, make a valiant effort to interact with my friends again and realized suddenly that we no longer had certain things in common. I went home disappointed and subsequently avoided every kind hearted invitation for the next two years. Then, Banshee was conceived, and I spent the next nine months of my life praying that I could eat and hold down enough food to sustain us both, no easy feat. After her birth, I was too exhausted to care about friends. And then, four months later, I was pregnant with Echo, who took after Banshee in making me sick. Since her birth almost a year ago, I still have only managed two friend functions, but today that changes.

  This afternoon, thanks to my wonderful sisters in law, I get to spend some time exclusively with other women. This will be the first time in over 8 months that I've had a 'girl's day out', and admittedly I'm nervous. I'm a great pretender, that talent helped me survive high school, but I don't have the energy to pretend anymore, so this is going to be a challenge for me on so many levels.

  Mostly, I'm concerned that those little oddball quirks in my personality that still linger from high school won't be well received, like speaking sarcasm before weighing my words. Among my 'before' friends, such behavior wasn't just accepted, it was encouraged. I also talk too much and usually a little too loud, and when I get flustered or embarrassed it gets worse. I'm in no way refined or delicate, and I'm definitely not super mom. I see my sisters in law as superwomen, and that's no lie. They all work outside the home and keep up with their husbands and kids the way I could only dream of, taking care of them without draining their own energy to nothing. Amazing women, so how do I stack up? And what about their friends?

  Thankfully, as my afternoon started, I was able to relax. Although I sort of stuck out, like the proverbial sore thumb, nobody ever made me feel excluded. Even among my before friends, exclusion was common. I'm slow to warm to new people, but everyone was so wonderfully friendly that it was hard not to. I got to know my sisters in law a little bit better, and I could finally share with someone else how proud I am of my Squee as his wife for how far he's come with therapy. We went to a wonderful dinner (that I'm still drooling over today) at Abuelo's in Chattanooga, with great conversation and interesting stories from moms who have been there, done that, and have the badges to prove it. For my first day out in over 8 months, I would call it a success. 

  Sometimes, being in a PTSD marriage means that your time 'off' is less quantity and more quality, but making the most of what you get helps you appreciate the rest of the time. Focusing on yourself once in a blue moon is encouraged, and necessary even, to help your hero along his journey to healing, and it just might help heal your hurts as well.